My brother (over at The Sibilant Sword) recently started a YouTube channel titled, “Don’t Hear What I’m Not Saying,” and while being a clever name for a channel dedicated to tackling theological confusion, that phrase also encapsulates so much of the communication breakdown we face in the church. As many of our readers know, our church recently experienced a very difficult split. Without getting into the weeds, I thought it might be a good jumping off point to discuss communication and how we might all seek to serve God and one another better through a more charitable means of discourse.

I’d be remiss to not confess here that I have not handled the split well. Over the past few weeks and months, I have often felt bitter and resentful towards other believers. I’ve drunk deep of the poison of my own anger. I’ve used gossip and slander to murder my brother and have sought to justify it in the name of hurt. I have not been charitable in word or deed. I’ve assigned negative motivations and even ill intent to my fellow brothers and sisters. I have been unkind, unloving, and ungracious. At times, I have been deeply discouraged in my faith. And while the Lord in His graciousness has now granted me a measure of peace, I still find myself battling the temptation to sin against those whom I should love.

Throughout this time, I’ve often thought about how I could have handled the situation in a more godly way. Many of us spoke of the split as feeling like a kind of divorce. Some spoke of the stages of grief. But I keep thinking about the elephant. No, not the one in the room, but the one in the dark. If you’re not familiar with the parable, it goes something like this: There is a group of blind men who have never encountered an elephant. As each man goes about feeling a different part of the animal, they each come up with a different explanation as to what it might be. One believes the trunk is a snake, another that the ear is a fan, and so on. Each version is a little different, but in one iteration, the men become enraged and violent with one another, assuming the others are lying. But in another, they work together to create a mental image of the elephant.

Let me be clear that this post is not a defense or condemnation of any “side” of the split. Don’t hear what I’m not saying. Instead, I’m genuinely interested in how we can use our own “elephant in the dark” situation to reflect on the nature of communication in our culture at large and, more specifically, within the church universal.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” -Proverb 18:21

A discussion on the nature of communication can never be separated from a discussion of truth. Speaking is inextricably linked to either verity or falsehood. As we consider how God speaks through Word, creates through Word, and even upholds the universe by the power of His Word, we see that there is no distinction between God’s Word and Truth (Ps. 119:160, Jn. 17:17). What God speaks is good. What He speaks is true. He cannot lie. How, therefore, should we imitate God in human speech. How do we go about speaking what is good and true? Here are a few practical ways:

1. Firstly, don’t assume motives and don’t assign them. It’s a dangerous game when we go about assuming we know the precise how or why behind a brother’s words or deeds. Personally, I’ve rarely erred on the side of charitability when assigning motives to others. So unless those motives were made explicit directly, we have no way of knowing what someone did or did not intend. The safest way is to ask them. Furthermore, if you’re going to make assumptions, first assume you could be in the wrong and/or ill-informed.

2. A half-truth is a whole lie. There is a particularly nefarious way of lying that involves saying only what is true but in a way that omits critical information so as to skew the narrative in the direction one wishes. Let’s be cautious to present things accurately and fairly, showing no partiality.

3. Context is key. We live in a soundbite era where we are conditioned and rewarded for making snap judgments and tuning out any statement we find the least bit objectionable. It’s not just the left who is triggered and trigger happy when it comes to opposing viewpoints. We all struggle with jumping to conclusions about a person and/or his position based on limited information. This is particularly problematic when it infects the church. Don’t hear a snippet from a sermon, podcast, or conversation without listening to the whole and then judge the whole by the part. When possible, go to the source and get clarification.

4. In relation to point three, do your best to steel man someone else’s position, particularly when that someone is a fellow brother or sister in Christ. I’m not merely speaking about theological positions here. Please try to actually see and understand the other person’s side before coming to a conclusion. Granted, this takes more time and work. It’s not easy to challenge yourself in this way. Ask yourself: what bias (emotional, cultural, etc.) could I be bringing to this conversation/information? Do I have all the information I need to actually understand what is being said or done? What does God’s Word say about this?

5.Be a discerning hearer. It’s so tempting to follow the flow of gossip, to believe the worst, but the reason the tea is hot is because it will burn you. Not only should we not actively engage in the practice of gossip and slander, we shouldn’t condone it in the church. Oftentimes, we trust information given to us because we trust the person doing the telling, whether or not we have evidence of its veracity. We’re to have witnesses not accomplices.

6. Be cautious in all communication but particularly with those forms that are absent either bodily and/or verbal cues. Modern means of communication (text, email, phone, etc.) are often fraught with misunderstanding. We struggle to understand one another even when we are face-to-face, how much more so when we lack nonverbal cues. Even intonation without facial expression can be easily misconstrued. There are so many factors in communication (personality, culture, etc.) that make it impossible to understand one another perfectly. With that in mind, let’s be charitable with one another. When dealing with fellow believers, let’s bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things (1 Cor. 13:7).

James 3 warns us:

3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

So let us bring ourselves wholly under the submission of Christ. Let us not fumble in the dark as we describe the elephant, feeling our way with forked tongues dripping with venom lest we kill ourselves and one another. Instead, let us drag the elephant into the open with the power of truth, exposing it wrinkles and all to the light of the Son.

Until next time, salutations & selah.