THE DIRGE
Eat. Pray. Die.

LITTLE ROCK, ARFestus K. Drummond (1958-2020), Satanist and blue grass enthusiast, died violently and very much awake yesterday evening in an abandoned grain silo after a long battle with heroin. High Priest of Hellsong United Church of Little Rock for over four decades, his was a ministry pockmarked with controversy.

For the first few years of his infernal reign, he followed in the footsteps of the High Priests who came before him—expositing the unholy texts, observing the dark holidays, and hosting the annual Charity Baal to raise money for people exorcised against their will.

But after watching a Justin Bieber documentary and being “totally convinced” that the crooning Canadian was a Christian, he felt it was time Hellsong “got with the times” and won a high-ranking celebrity for the Dark Lord.

In a dramatic shift, Festus began using the pulpit to blast the archaic rituals “stifling” the church–urging congregants to embrace modernity, culture, and automatic withdrawals from their banking accounts to fund the expansion of the church.

“Satan is still speaking,” he said in a recently found recording of a member’s only meeting. “He’s still speaking and he’s saying velvet drapes my brothers and sisters. Floor to ceiling velvet drapes from Crate & Barr…What’s that Agnes? He’s saying silk drapes? Velvet is tacky? Well get your ears cleaned Agnes because the Dark Lord clearly wants velvet…” [recording stopped]

Agnes died shortly after the velvet drapes arrived in a freak accident wherein, she was stabbed forty-seven times. All forty-seven members of Hellsong at the time denied any involvement.

Festus’ new ideas ushered in more than drapes. Some of his most popular reforms included the “skinny robe” (a more form fitting hooded Black Mass robe), replacing the organ piano with a sitar, and renaming the sanctuary a “funktuary”.

But just as Hellsong was about a reach super stardom and snag its high-ranking celebrity (all for the glory of Satan of course) tragedy struck.

During a small weekly Satanic Bible study, attendees, slain by the unholy spirit, started speaking in tongues and accidently evoked the spirit of a class four demon1. They all died.

Things only got worse for Festus and his church culminating in an embarrassing faux pas during a live interview where he was asked if Hellsong practiced the long-standing Satanic tradition of virgin human sacrifices.

“Great question Ricardo. Of course not. It’s a rumor brought on by centuries of secrecy. We may dress like 13th century monks but we’re hip. We’re groovy man. Did you know we have three blacks in our congregation now. Three! And an Asian. You know hard it is to get one of those? What I’m trying to say Ricardo is that there’s no discrimination here. All women are worthy of sacrifice. Virgin or not.”

Ricardo, the film crew, and the thousands watching across the nation fell silent.

“Wow…uh–you heard it here first folks. Hellsong United Church of Little Rock sacrifices women to Satan. What do you have to say for yourself Mr. Drummond?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Wasn’t really a uh—not really a yes or no kind of…”

“Do you like bagels?”

“Do I like…Mr. Drummond you’re avoiding the ques…”

“Because I have one in my pocket.”

“You–you have a bagel in your pocket?”

Festus did not in fact have a bagel in his pocket. It was a smoke bomb. He kept one on his person at all times for dramatic entrances and exits. He often used them during his theatrical performances. Pardon me, I meant sermons.

Pulling the “bagel” from his robe, he ended the interview by throwing it at the film crew. The “bagel” did not detonate due to the plush, blood red carpet in the funktuary cushioning its fall and he could clearly be seen running into his office.

Festus was ruined. He lost his church, he lost his congregation, and turning to heroin for comfort, he lost his mind too.

Just when Little Rock thought they’d seen and heard the last of Festus K. Drummond, he made headlines again when he was captured on camera “stuffing virgins” into a van outside Cat Stop ‘Till You Get Enough, a cat adoption center, on the night of the blood red moon.

The “virgins” were taken to an abandoned grain silo where Festus had planned to sacrifice them. But the “virgins” overpowered him and in a rare show of poetic justice, Festus himself became the sacrifice.

He will be missed by someone, somewhere, but that person was unavailable for comment.

1According to the “Demonadex” (Vlad Weep and Constantine Gnash, 1983) only four classes of demons have been identified.

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